one day
i didn’t want to let the tears run. i havent been doing so for the past month, the past few weeks i’ve been trying to get my shit together. to move on, to act, to pretend like everything is fine when it well has not, never been since the day we stopped talking. i didn’t want to let the tears run, i think about you alot, everyday, at almost every second but i never have the energy to spill my heart and eyes out for you, only because i have lost all urge to feel anything. except for today when emma got bulldozed by a truck and died, leaving behind dexter, the only man she ever loved since college.
and that scene kind of left me in tears again, back to square one where it felt like everything i have built up to block away the painful memories are crumbling down again like rubble after an explosion. and it hurt just the same.
for that moment i fear living the life of dexter and emma. albeit the fact that we have since stopped communicating, i fear the day you move on, you marry someone new, and i lay here with my heart closed up from the rest of the world because i have made myself to believe no one else can be better, funnier, ruder than you. even your worst traits have evolved to become something so rare, precious, desired by me, and we all want what we can’t have.
its hard to understand the thoughts and mutterings of a broken heart, from someone who has given so much love, so much time, so much effort only for it to not be reciprocated. and yet we all share the same suffering, somewhere deep inside we all understand what it means to be loved, and to be hurt.
i fear for this immobility, the inability to move on from this crushing memory. i fear the possibility of settling for something less, just so i can feel that little ounce of comfort gained from mending a gaping hole. i fear the future so much, and i fear replaying the old memories like a broken record.
i fear love, and i fear hope. because somehow everything that takes place in the future is set out to amplify my failures on another level.
i fear my own mind
